Random Poem

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Random Poem

Postby Skjold on Wed Feb 16, 2011 1:51 pm

Meh I was bored and attempted to translate a poem I made into English. So bare with me, it may not be any good. lol... And no poems don't have to rhyme so hush!

The grey sky, the hidden sun
The white snow, the world is reborn
The beauty of life until we say goodbye.
Don't cry and say it's all bad
Because it could be a lot worse
People starve and suffer from sickness
While we whine about minor problems
Make a difference, make a change
Don't just sit there with your whiny face
Death may come to us all
But it never hurts to help
They smile as long as they have food
We whine and say it's not enough
People brag about being rich
While thousands die of starvation and aids
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Re: Random Poem

Postby Gh0st.IRE on Sun Feb 20, 2011 10:44 am

Constructive Critism ahead:

It may be just because it has been translated to English, but some of the language choice was poor. "say" should be given better choice of word, as could "bad", "cry" and "whiny".

I also did not like the theme. The whole "Your problems fail in comparison with the problems of the world" just did not sit right with me. It felt to cheesey (if not for a better word) and just written to sound like it contained an important message, as opposed to one the author genuinely cared for. (Im not saying I don't care, but this poem did not make me care anymore, nor did it make me even think or question.)

Imagery was equisate in places. I like the opening image of the hidden sun behind a clouded sky. It mirrors the theme being hidden in our world. Unfortuneatlyt, that was the only really prominant image I found.

There was alliteration, with the repeates 's' in Line five which was nice to see, coupled with the repettition of "make" in line seven. However, I would suggest aiming for a triadic structure with your repetition, similar to that of your aliteration, to give it more gravitas.

I would like to see more punctuation within the poem, instead of the sole full stop in line three. Either remove it, if you're going for the speed and 'run-in' lines or punctuate the poem more if you want to slow the poem down and have people absorb the message.
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Re: Random Poem

Postby Skjold on Sun Feb 20, 2011 11:33 am

Well the main problem is, I'm danish and I taught myself english without the help of others. So certainly it's hard for me to translate a poem from danish into english. As it made more sense in danish. And the reason for the poem is because of the problems we have in Denmark at the moment. They want us to donate to the "poor" in denmark. Because for some reason a person with less than 75.000 a year is poor here (8.446,14 pounds) But I do get what you're saying and I'll be attempting to make the poems more clear lol.
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Re: Random Poem

Postby Bobbobthebob on Sun Feb 20, 2011 10:16 pm

Denmark's tax structure is so different that the comparison might be moot, but someone working full time in the UK earning that much would be earning well under our minimum wage. On that money you'd have a very hard time covering rent, bills, commuting costs and food so it certainly qualifies you as being poor.

The "but it's worse over there so shut up" argument is a horrible method often used by the comfortable to condemn those worse off than themselves.


Poetry-wise, it doesn't quite work in English, few translations do. The repetitive elements are there and some of the rhythm therefore also comes through, but the metering is all over the place and if you don't have the vocabulary at your disposal to swap words to compensate then it will go awry. For example the syllable count for each line is: 7 8 11 7 8 9 9 8 9 6 7 8 8 8 10

That said, you're English is very good, especially if you're self-taught :)
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