/cringe

[meyenburg]

Its not rape.








Its surprise sex.

[blast]

why do women have legs?

have you seen the mess snails make?

[SkullsY]

How do snakes resolve fights?

They hiss and make up.


Awww!


Why couldn't the hen find her eggs?

She had mislaid them.


How cute.

[WAR]

I've been arrested 3 times this week for assaulting my girlfriend.

The copper said to me, "Why do you keep beating her?"

I said it's probably because I have a significant weight advantage, better reach and fancy footwork.

[Wizav]

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."


On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.


Golf.

The only time it's acceptable for a man to hold an iron.

[meyenburg]

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

muhahahaha, epic!

[RazeRipz!]

1)
Man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his trousers. Barman asks, "mate, why've you got a steering wheel in your pants?"
Man replies, "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts."

2)
The Teacher asks the class to name a living object that eats things ending in OR.
First little boy says, "Alligator", "Very good" replies the teacher.
Second little boy says, "Predator", "Yes, very good" replies the teacher.
Little Johnny then says, "Vibrator miss".
Teacher replies, "That's a big word but it doesn't actually eat anything does it?"
Little Johnny then says, "Well, my sister has a big one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

3)
An atom walks into a bar.
Atom: I think I've lost an electron.
Bartender: Are you sure?
Atom: Yes, I'm positive.

4)
I went into the butchers the other day and bet the guy behind the counter 50 quid he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said "I dunno, the steaks are a bit high."

5)
What have the Sixth Sense and Titanic got in common?

Icy Dead People.

6)
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[GazNET]

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

Quality!

[Arbor plena simia]

Beer from space; InterStellar Artois.

Nuclear Fission; catching trout with uranium.

How much is an ill cephalopod worth? Sick squid. Six quid?

What did Treebeard say to the Puffin? Little Auk.

[Gh0st.IRE]

What do you call a snail on a boat?

A Snailor

[Master Yoda]

I work in the News Of The World printing press.

Tomorrows headline will read as follows:

"Dido: The Richest Female Artist Of All Time."

Apparently, 'White Flag' has been Number 1 in France for the past 5 years....

wahahah really awesome

[n0rd]

to everyone xD

[{TPUK}Advocate]

What's brown and sticky? - A stick.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all standing in front a of a magic slide with a pool at the bottom- a notice at the slide says shout out while you are going down the slide what you want to land in at the bottom.
The Englishman shouts MONEY and lands in a giant swimming pool of £50 notes
The Scotsman shouts WHISKY and lands in a pool of Glenfiddich
The Irishman shouts WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE......

[Wizav]

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets that look like a spastic hasn't used them.

Leotard.... A lion with downs syndrome

What do you call a man with twin teenage daughters?
Mate.

I'm not bald.
I'm a ginger with initiative.

[G3!ST]

gg

[Nish]

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

LMAO

[Plurp]

I heard this one on a show the other day, it's kinda harsh though

a gay man walks into a tattoo parlour and asks the artist if he can tattoo a porsche on his dick.
The tattoo artist says ok, but it'll hurt and it might take a while.
The gay man says that that won't be a problem, he actually manages to fall asleep during the the procedure and after about 3 hours it's done.
the gay man wakes up and much to his dismay he sees that the artist not only tattooed a porsche on his dick, but also a tractor.
So the gay man gets angry with the artist and asks "why did you tattoo a tractor on my dick, that isn't what I asked for!"
to which the artist replies:
"well, I figured; this way, if your porsche gets stuck in some sh*t you can always use the tractor to pull it out!"

damn late night tv

[meyenburg]

Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

ROFL! AWESOME!