/cringe

Tell us your favorite jokes, or just show us the funny link you've found!

Re: /cringe

Postby {TPUK}Advocate on Fri Mar 04, 2011 3:31 pm

:oops: I forgot about that.... little edit and no one will know.....


*walks away singing blame Kan.....


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Re: /cringe

Postby meyenburg on Fri Mar 04, 2011 6:01 pm

{TPUK}Advocate wrote::oops: I forgot about that.... little edit and no one will know.....


*walks away singing blame Kan.....


Thats the spirit! :lol:
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Re: /cringe

Postby Wizav on Sat Mar 05, 2011 4:51 am

"You can tell a lot about a person by their car."
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

lol


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Re: /cringe

Postby Wombat on Sat Mar 05, 2011 9:28 am

Wizav wrote:"You can tell a lot about a person by their car."
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

lol


i'm soo stealing that joke! :D
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Re: /cringe

Postby Kaelan002 on Sat Mar 05, 2011 9:42 am

not sure if its really a cringe but here goes

atm procedure



men

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

women

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake



edit in a spoiler as its quite long
There are 10 types of people in the world: those that know binary, those that don't, and those that didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.

[video =373,150]http://a.pomf.se/ixefrf.webm[/video] Now shhhh Kaelan... OOOOOOH
pomf.se is ded. :'(
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Re: /cringe

Postby Arbor plena simia on Sat Mar 05, 2011 9:52 am

Heard this one when I was in town just now;

I've just come back from a bulimia convention.
It was heaving.
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Re: /cringe

Postby Dr Gonzo on Sat Mar 05, 2011 11:16 am

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (Editor's note: The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"
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Re: /cringe

Postby Kaelan002 on Sat Mar 05, 2011 11:51 am

:|
There are 10 types of people in the world: those that know binary, those that don't, and those that didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.

[video =373,150]http://a.pomf.se/ixefrf.webm[/video] Now shhhh Kaelan... OOOOOOH
pomf.se is ded. :'(
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Re: /cringe

Postby bort on Sat Mar 05, 2011 4:03 pm

Hah-ha! I quite liked that one. :)
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Re: /cringe

Postby {TPUK}Advocate on Tue Mar 08, 2011 11:49 pm

epic gonzo. epic.


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Re: /cringe

Postby G3!ST on Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:36 am

lollatron
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Re: /cringe

Postby Wizav on Sat Mar 12, 2011 1:51 am

I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.

Just kept going on and on about a huge rave

LOL


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Re: /cringe

Postby Unskilled on Sun Apr 17, 2011 11:57 am

Don't know if this has been posted but it is the meanest joke I have ever heard :P

There is this couple who have been trying to get pregnant for a while, it finally happens.
The day comes when the woman goes into labor.
The husband sits in the waiting room waiting for good news.
A nurse comes out holding his baby, he jumps up and starts to celebrate.
But then the nurse slams the child into the wall, throws it onto the ground and stomps on it.
The man screams "what the hell are you doing!"
The nurse replies, take a joke it was stillborn.....
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Re: /cringe

Postby Gh0st.IRE on Wed Apr 20, 2011 3:27 pm

:|
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Re: /cringe

Postby ApacheFlame on Wed Apr 20, 2011 3:35 pm

That is worthy of frankie boyle and everyone knows he is a one trick shock joke twat.

I love offensive jokes, but that wasn't actually that funny. Sorry dude.

Back on topic:


Girl: What colour are my eyes?
Guy: 34C
The Programmers Mantra: Declare Variables, not War.

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Re: /cringe

Postby Arbor plena simia on Wed Apr 20, 2011 4:09 pm

One a friend told me;


A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

...The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
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Re: /cringe

Postby GazNET on Wed Apr 20, 2011 9:15 pm

ApacheFlame wrote:Girl: What colour are my eyes?
Guy: 34C


:lol:
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Re: /cringe

Postby Useless² on Tue May 03, 2011 5:23 pm

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of back ache
the doctor says "remove your shirt and I will weigh your breasts"
the woman does so and the doctor shouts "WAAY!!!"
God gave me wind and waves...

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Re: /cringe

Postby Wizav on Fri May 06, 2011 1:45 pm

Even though we both speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences between American-English and proper English:

They say "sidewalk" we say "pavement"

They say "pants" we say "trousers"

They say "buried at sea" we say "naked and chained to a metal bed frame with a car battery connected to his bollocks whilst being beaten for answers".


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Re: /cringe

Postby EvolvedMonkey on Fri May 06, 2011 2:12 pm

The analysis of Bin Laden's DNA has come back as 24% cocoa, 52% coconut, 18% sugar, and 6% milk.

Experts say this was probably due to the large bounty on his head.
But I'm feeling good, And if you don't exist, you're still one illusion that I can't resist
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